Post by Kurtpikachu2001 on Apr 10, 2022 17:38:34 GMT
Paradise PD and Inside Job
Fanfic Title:
Drought At The Fountain of Youth
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
At the backyard of Randall Crawford's house. Kevin had Dusty, Stanley, Gina, and Bullet lined up to see something he had bought.
Gina: What's the big important thing you bought for your backyard Kevin?
Kevin: It's going to totally blow your mind!
Dusty: Hope it's a swingset! Never had one when I was growing up. My momma could not afford one.
Bullet: You? On a swingset? (laughs) You'll get stuck in a baby swing like that fat drunk in an episode of 1000 Ways To Die I once saw.
Stanley: Whatever it is, I hope it's Gore Vidal in an outhouse.
Kevin: Just come follow me everybody.
Dusty: I know! Is it a bounce house?
Kevin: Close, Dusty! Close!
Dusty: Must be getting warmer!
Bullet, Stanley, Gina, and Dusty were all astounded by what they had seen in Randall Crawford's backyard. A trampoline.
Kevin: Tah Dah! What do you think about this, everybody?
Gina: A trampoline. Where did you get it?
Kevin: I spent my paycheck on it. I always wanted one in my backyard.
Dusty: Oh boy! Last time I was on a trampoline. It was at Sky Zone. Then my weight broke them all and I got banned from place for good.
Kevin: You'll never get banned here, Dusty. Come on, everybody! You're all invited on my trampoline!
Bullet: Yeah! Let's do this!
Dusty, Kevin, Gina, Stanley, and Bullet all jumped around the trampoline and had lots of fun.
Gina: Check out my killer moves, twat waffles! (jumps and does 20 flips in the air.) Bet you all can't do that!
Kevin: Nahhh, I won't be that extreme. (jumps up and down)
Stanley: This reminds me of when I had ass sex with PT Barnum. On a trampoline just like this one!
Bullet: (jumps high into the air): I can qualify for the Olympics with this high jump!
Dusty: Oh look! It's holding my weight. (bounces all around)
The way Dusty jumped on the trampoline, it made a shake that nearly knocked everyone off.
Bullet: Fuck! Dusty! Watch your weight!
Stanley: Yeah, you fat fucker! You almost knocked us off.
Dusty (rolls eyes): Sorry sheesh!
Bullet (Jumps into the air): Woo! Hoo! This is almost as fun as cocaine!
Gina (jumps into the air): Bet you can't top this!
Stanley: Check out these moves! (jumps into the air)
Gina, Kevin, Stanley, and Bullet were all challenging each other to do the highest jump. Dusty felt left out.
Kevin: Why aren't you joining us, Dusty?
Dusty: I don't wanna hurt anyone. Feel like Dom Deliuse in Fatso.
Kevin: Don't feel bad you just.....
Randall (runs into the backyard): What the fuck is going on here!
Kevin: HEEEK DAD! (sees Randall): Oh I meant, Hi, Dad! Look what I spent my paycheck on! Cool hey?
Randall: Goddammit Kevin! I should've known you were going to spend it on something useless like this. (sees Dusty) What's wrong with you? Don't you think shit like this is fun?
Dusty: I got fat shamed.
Randall: Why didn't you give your paycheck to me so I can pay my taxes?
Kevin: You didn't ask.
Bullet: Kevin invited us, we were just trying to have some fun here. It's not like there's a beer keg around.
Randall: We are supposed to be officers of the law. People have to take us seriously and this is what you all do in your spare time?
Stanley: Who even knows about this trampoline but us.
Randall: Shut the fuck up Stanley. (sees Gina): GINA! You are my best cop! Why are you wasting your time on this fucking trampoline shit?
Gina (gets down from the trampoline): Geez, can't a woman with bitch be crazy syndrome have a little fun every now and then.
Kevin: Guess this means we have to report to work.
Dusty: Just as Humphrey Bogart said in Casablanca. "We'll always have Paris. We'll always have Kevin's Backyard Trampoline".
Randall: We are not going back to headquarters. In fact, everybody meet me at the Walmart Pharmacy that got shut down.
Bullet: You don't hear that everyday! Hopefully there will be some inhalants and hallucinogens!
Randall: We are NOT going there to experiment with outdated prescriptions!
Kevin: Okay Dad. We're coming.
Dusty, Stanley, Bullet, Gina, and Kevin all follow Randall to the WalMart.
Scene 2:
The Paradise PD were now at the Pharmacy at Walmart that was shut down.
Gina: What is the purpose of bringing us here?
Dusty: Yeah, shouldn't we be at the police station instead?
Randall: I brought you all here because I found out I am behind on my taxes.
Kevin: Oh no. Does this mean we're going to lose the house.
Randall: That's exactly what it means! If you hadn't spent your fucking paycheck on that piece of shit trampoline. We would not be here!
Bullet: It's not easy being the scapegoat, is it Kevin? (laughs)
Kevin: No, (sneering) everything's always my fault when it comes to Dad.
Stanley: Are we going to have a opium party like they did in the 1920s?
Randall: Nope, we are not here to party. We are going to try to use this place to raise money.
Dusty: We can do a bake sale.
Randall: No bake sales! You'll just end up eating all the cupcakes anyway.
Gina: You got any bright ideas?
Randall: In fact, I do! We all know about this pandemic going on called the coronavirus. Also known as the Covid 19? Right?
Stanley, Kevin, Bullet, Gina, and Dusty: Right.
Randall: I was thinking. It's our job as policemen to come up with a cure.
Dusty: We got the vaccines....
Kevin: Yeah, and covid only lasts for 2 weeks.
Dusty: Kevin's right. After 2 weeks, you're all better.
Gina: If you're lucky.
Bullet: What you're saying is, we have to come up with a cure? We're not scientists at Pfizer or Mederna you know.
Randall: Who said anything about science. We'll just mix up whatever meds we can find and give it to whoever has covid. If said person gets better, BINGO! We got a cure for it, and the Paradise PD will forever go down in history as the American Police Department who came up with the cure.
Kevin: That's a wonderful idea Dad! Then you can get money for it and save our house.
Randall: Precisely! Everyone into the drug room.
Bullet goes into the drug room and comes out with an oxygen tank.
Dusty: HAHAHAHAHAHAA! Are you trying to be ALF or something, Bullet?
Gina: You look like a Space Oddity, Bullet. (laughs) David Bowie would be proud!
Randall: Stop fucking around Bullet! This is a serious matter!
Kevin: I don't want to end up homeless and have to eat in a soup kitchen.
Gina: Actually I live in a duplex. The other house is empty. You all can move into there if you want.
Bullet: Glad you all liked my joke. I was being Pauly Shore in Bio-Dome! I FEEL LIKE A DUCK BILLED PLATAPUS!
Dusty: I thought that's where it was from!
Stanley: For a minute there I thought you was being Oliver Hardy in The Big Noise when Stan Laurel put that camera over his head.
Randall: Great reference there. I thought I was the only one who liked Stan and Ollie. Speaking of them, I was always Ollie. And Kevin was always Stan.
Kevin: (scratches his head and cries): But I couldn't help it (sobs)
Scene 3:
Outside Robbie's and Delbert's crackhouse. Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and their adopted daughter Zeta were sitting in a car and they all appeared to be looking into a window. Robbie and Delbert were inside the crackhouse watching a football game on a TV they had stolen.
Brett DeMarco: Couldn't we have just gone to a movie theater?
Fitz: No way. I want to share with you guys the fun I had at the Drive-Thru back during my youth.
Zeta: I'm having fun with it, Daddy Fitz.
Fitz: I know you are. Trying to get Brett here to appreciate it!
Brett DeMarco: I would 'appreciate' it a lot more if we didn't have to use these hicks' TV!
Fitz: There's no drive in movies anymore here in Paradise. So I wanted to improvise!
Brett DeMarco: How? By using Robbie's and Delbert's TV?
Fitz: Damn! They turned it back onto that fucking football game! Good thing I got a universal remote.
Brett DeMarco: Use it. Thought we were watching Red Sun!
Fitz uses the remote to turn back the movie. Robbie and Delbert begin to rant.
Robbie: What the fuck is this shit!
Delbert: Thought we was watchin' football, not some samurai ninja cowboy shit.
Robbie and Delbert use their remote to turn back on the football game.
Fitz: Shit! Not again! (uses universal remote)
The TV turned back onto the movie Red Sun.
Robbie: Fuck it to hell!
Delbert: Change the channel, I wanna see some cheerleader boob!
Robbie changes the channel back to the football game.
Brett DeMarco: They're really playing hardball here!
Fitz: I HATE FOOTBALL! (uses universal remote)
Zeta: Get them Daddy Fitz! Get them!
The TV turns back onto Red Sun.
Robbie: GGGRRR!! THIS AGAIN! I hate westerns! They ain't even speaking English! Speaking some alien language.
Delbert: GODDAMMIT! There's that Chinese dude Charles Bronson again. FUCK THAT! I don't wanna see him, I wanna see Aaron Hernadez!
A war had broken out between Fitz and Robbie as they both kept pressing the buttons on their remotes. Instead of going back and fourth to the football game and the Western movie Red Sun, more channels appear.
TV: You're watching....FOX News Reports......Stay tuned for an all new.....NBC Presents......Coming up next........
Fitz uses the universal remote once more and instead of the football game or Red Sun, something extremely shocking coming onto the TV. It shows Peter Graves totally naked wearing a condom.
Peter Graves: This is Peter Graves and I am using a Trojan condom! Trojan! The most trusted name in....
Fitz, Brett DeMarco, Zeta, Robbie, and Delbert: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Robbie uses his remote one more time, the TV explodes. Robbie and Delbert swear revenge.
Fitz (drives away): Holy fuck! We can't let them know it's us!
Zeta: We can't let them see us!
Brett DeMarco: Now we can go to a normal theater!
Fitz: Good idea!
However, Robbie and Delbert spotted them.
Delbert: Think that Kingpin fella was here, Robbie.
Robbie: I knew that. I am going to make a phone call.
Delbert: To who?
Robbie: To some good friends of mine. (uses phone): Hello, can you get me Reagan Ridley please? Yes hello. We want you to track down Gerald Fitzgerald for us. Wherever he goes, make his life hell.....
Fanfic Title:
Drought At The Fountain of Youth
by: Trenton Sands
Scene 1:
At the backyard of Randall Crawford's house. Kevin had Dusty, Stanley, Gina, and Bullet lined up to see something he had bought.
Gina: What's the big important thing you bought for your backyard Kevin?
Kevin: It's going to totally blow your mind!
Dusty: Hope it's a swingset! Never had one when I was growing up. My momma could not afford one.
Bullet: You? On a swingset? (laughs) You'll get stuck in a baby swing like that fat drunk in an episode of 1000 Ways To Die I once saw.
Stanley: Whatever it is, I hope it's Gore Vidal in an outhouse.
Kevin: Just come follow me everybody.
Dusty: I know! Is it a bounce house?
Kevin: Close, Dusty! Close!
Dusty: Must be getting warmer!
Bullet, Stanley, Gina, and Dusty were all astounded by what they had seen in Randall Crawford's backyard. A trampoline.
Kevin: Tah Dah! What do you think about this, everybody?
Gina: A trampoline. Where did you get it?
Kevin: I spent my paycheck on it. I always wanted one in my backyard.
Dusty: Oh boy! Last time I was on a trampoline. It was at Sky Zone. Then my weight broke them all and I got banned from place for good.
Kevin: You'll never get banned here, Dusty. Come on, everybody! You're all invited on my trampoline!
Bullet: Yeah! Let's do this!
Dusty, Kevin, Gina, Stanley, and Bullet all jumped around the trampoline and had lots of fun.
Gina: Check out my killer moves, twat waffles! (jumps and does 20 flips in the air.) Bet you all can't do that!
Kevin: Nahhh, I won't be that extreme. (jumps up and down)
Stanley: This reminds me of when I had ass sex with PT Barnum. On a trampoline just like this one!
Bullet: (jumps high into the air): I can qualify for the Olympics with this high jump!
Dusty: Oh look! It's holding my weight. (bounces all around)
The way Dusty jumped on the trampoline, it made a shake that nearly knocked everyone off.
Bullet: Fuck! Dusty! Watch your weight!
Stanley: Yeah, you fat fucker! You almost knocked us off.
Dusty (rolls eyes): Sorry sheesh!
Bullet (Jumps into the air): Woo! Hoo! This is almost as fun as cocaine!
Gina (jumps into the air): Bet you can't top this!
Stanley: Check out these moves! (jumps into the air)
Gina, Kevin, Stanley, and Bullet were all challenging each other to do the highest jump. Dusty felt left out.
Kevin: Why aren't you joining us, Dusty?
Dusty: I don't wanna hurt anyone. Feel like Dom Deliuse in Fatso.
Kevin: Don't feel bad you just.....
Randall (runs into the backyard): What the fuck is going on here!
Kevin: HEEEK DAD! (sees Randall): Oh I meant, Hi, Dad! Look what I spent my paycheck on! Cool hey?
Randall: Goddammit Kevin! I should've known you were going to spend it on something useless like this. (sees Dusty) What's wrong with you? Don't you think shit like this is fun?
Dusty: I got fat shamed.
Randall: Why didn't you give your paycheck to me so I can pay my taxes?
Kevin: You didn't ask.
Bullet: Kevin invited us, we were just trying to have some fun here. It's not like there's a beer keg around.
Randall: We are supposed to be officers of the law. People have to take us seriously and this is what you all do in your spare time?
Stanley: Who even knows about this trampoline but us.
Randall: Shut the fuck up Stanley. (sees Gina): GINA! You are my best cop! Why are you wasting your time on this fucking trampoline shit?
Gina (gets down from the trampoline): Geez, can't a woman with bitch be crazy syndrome have a little fun every now and then.
Kevin: Guess this means we have to report to work.
Dusty: Just as Humphrey Bogart said in Casablanca. "We'll always have Paris. We'll always have Kevin's Backyard Trampoline".
Randall: We are not going back to headquarters. In fact, everybody meet me at the Walmart Pharmacy that got shut down.
Bullet: You don't hear that everyday! Hopefully there will be some inhalants and hallucinogens!
Randall: We are NOT going there to experiment with outdated prescriptions!
Kevin: Okay Dad. We're coming.
Dusty, Stanley, Bullet, Gina, and Kevin all follow Randall to the WalMart.
Scene 2:
The Paradise PD were now at the Pharmacy at Walmart that was shut down.
Gina: What is the purpose of bringing us here?
Dusty: Yeah, shouldn't we be at the police station instead?
Randall: I brought you all here because I found out I am behind on my taxes.
Kevin: Oh no. Does this mean we're going to lose the house.
Randall: That's exactly what it means! If you hadn't spent your fucking paycheck on that piece of shit trampoline. We would not be here!
Bullet: It's not easy being the scapegoat, is it Kevin? (laughs)
Kevin: No, (sneering) everything's always my fault when it comes to Dad.
Stanley: Are we going to have a opium party like they did in the 1920s?
Randall: Nope, we are not here to party. We are going to try to use this place to raise money.
Dusty: We can do a bake sale.
Randall: No bake sales! You'll just end up eating all the cupcakes anyway.
Gina: You got any bright ideas?
Randall: In fact, I do! We all know about this pandemic going on called the coronavirus. Also known as the Covid 19? Right?
Stanley, Kevin, Bullet, Gina, and Dusty: Right.
Randall: I was thinking. It's our job as policemen to come up with a cure.
Dusty: We got the vaccines....
Kevin: Yeah, and covid only lasts for 2 weeks.
Dusty: Kevin's right. After 2 weeks, you're all better.
Gina: If you're lucky.
Bullet: What you're saying is, we have to come up with a cure? We're not scientists at Pfizer or Mederna you know.
Randall: Who said anything about science. We'll just mix up whatever meds we can find and give it to whoever has covid. If said person gets better, BINGO! We got a cure for it, and the Paradise PD will forever go down in history as the American Police Department who came up with the cure.
Kevin: That's a wonderful idea Dad! Then you can get money for it and save our house.
Randall: Precisely! Everyone into the drug room.
Bullet goes into the drug room and comes out with an oxygen tank.
Dusty: HAHAHAHAHAHAA! Are you trying to be ALF or something, Bullet?
Gina: You look like a Space Oddity, Bullet. (laughs) David Bowie would be proud!
Randall: Stop fucking around Bullet! This is a serious matter!
Kevin: I don't want to end up homeless and have to eat in a soup kitchen.
Gina: Actually I live in a duplex. The other house is empty. You all can move into there if you want.
Bullet: Glad you all liked my joke. I was being Pauly Shore in Bio-Dome! I FEEL LIKE A DUCK BILLED PLATAPUS!
Dusty: I thought that's where it was from!
Stanley: For a minute there I thought you was being Oliver Hardy in The Big Noise when Stan Laurel put that camera over his head.
Randall: Great reference there. I thought I was the only one who liked Stan and Ollie. Speaking of them, I was always Ollie. And Kevin was always Stan.
Kevin: (scratches his head and cries): But I couldn't help it (sobs)
Scene 3:
Outside Robbie's and Delbert's crackhouse. Fitz, Brett DeMarco, and their adopted daughter Zeta were sitting in a car and they all appeared to be looking into a window. Robbie and Delbert were inside the crackhouse watching a football game on a TV they had stolen.
Brett DeMarco: Couldn't we have just gone to a movie theater?
Fitz: No way. I want to share with you guys the fun I had at the Drive-Thru back during my youth.
Zeta: I'm having fun with it, Daddy Fitz.
Fitz: I know you are. Trying to get Brett here to appreciate it!
Brett DeMarco: I would 'appreciate' it a lot more if we didn't have to use these hicks' TV!
Fitz: There's no drive in movies anymore here in Paradise. So I wanted to improvise!
Brett DeMarco: How? By using Robbie's and Delbert's TV?
Fitz: Damn! They turned it back onto that fucking football game! Good thing I got a universal remote.
Brett DeMarco: Use it. Thought we were watching Red Sun!
Fitz uses the remote to turn back the movie. Robbie and Delbert begin to rant.
Robbie: What the fuck is this shit!
Delbert: Thought we was watchin' football, not some samurai ninja cowboy shit.
Robbie and Delbert use their remote to turn back on the football game.
Fitz: Shit! Not again! (uses universal remote)
The TV turned back onto the movie Red Sun.
Robbie: Fuck it to hell!
Delbert: Change the channel, I wanna see some cheerleader boob!
Robbie changes the channel back to the football game.
Brett DeMarco: They're really playing hardball here!
Fitz: I HATE FOOTBALL! (uses universal remote)
Zeta: Get them Daddy Fitz! Get them!
The TV turns back onto Red Sun.
Robbie: GGGRRR!! THIS AGAIN! I hate westerns! They ain't even speaking English! Speaking some alien language.
Delbert: GODDAMMIT! There's that Chinese dude Charles Bronson again. FUCK THAT! I don't wanna see him, I wanna see Aaron Hernadez!
A war had broken out between Fitz and Robbie as they both kept pressing the buttons on their remotes. Instead of going back and fourth to the football game and the Western movie Red Sun, more channels appear.
TV: You're watching....FOX News Reports......Stay tuned for an all new.....NBC Presents......Coming up next........
Fitz uses the universal remote once more and instead of the football game or Red Sun, something extremely shocking coming onto the TV. It shows Peter Graves totally naked wearing a condom.
Peter Graves: This is Peter Graves and I am using a Trojan condom! Trojan! The most trusted name in....
Fitz, Brett DeMarco, Zeta, Robbie, and Delbert: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Robbie uses his remote one more time, the TV explodes. Robbie and Delbert swear revenge.
Fitz (drives away): Holy fuck! We can't let them know it's us!
Zeta: We can't let them see us!
Brett DeMarco: Now we can go to a normal theater!
Fitz: Good idea!
However, Robbie and Delbert spotted them.
Delbert: Think that Kingpin fella was here, Robbie.
Robbie: I knew that. I am going to make a phone call.
Delbert: To who?
Robbie: To some good friends of mine. (uses phone): Hello, can you get me Reagan Ridley please? Yes hello. We want you to track down Gerald Fitzgerald for us. Wherever he goes, make his life hell.....